Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

So, here is the deal. When I am not on the road or moving shit around for the sake of my own

Personal gratification I find myself working on some very complex and pressing topics. Topics that have not only an immediate and critical demand for our attention, but the preparation and understanding of said topics will prevent not only your unexpected demise but also the fateful exit of your friends and family. The Topic I am speaking about is the Zombie Apocalypse, now I know…a lot of people will read this and think “Zombies…seriously? I can take a Zombie…those silly fuckers can’t even run.” However, this is where I disagree and not only do I think that you have to be prepared for the unexpected, but you need to have some ability to predict and prepare for what could happen… Most people currently working on their Zombie counter actions spend too much time studying the dogmatic theories and systems displayed on television or broadcasted on the internet… Thinking that these so called “experts” are going to show them all the techniques and tactics needed to survive. To overcome the masses of walking dead that will not doubt be inhabiting the better part of our future. The problem, is that most of the people teaching are just really good sales people…God knows they have never actually fought a Zombie…and the majority of what they know about Zombie Killing comes from books that may or may not have been written using actual Zombie fighting data…But rather they took small samples of Zombies in a very controlled environment and drew conclusions based on those findings! This is a very dangerous way to learn how to survive indeed! In fact it has been my experience, that unless you have gone toe to toe with a brain craver, and more importantly gone toe to toe outside of the “lab” there is no way to know how well you are going to be prepared when the shit hits the fan. The second issue that I am running into, I like to refer to as ‘ Zombie killing perfectionism.’ There are way to many young men and women out there that spend the majority of their time focusing on the intricacies of the kill… Here in itself lays the problem. In the real world when a 300lbs McNasty decides that you are going to be his or her next meal…you better be ready to handle the situation immediately. You are not going to have the luxury of perfectionism. You are going to have to achieve results in the shortest time frame possible. You could try to set up a complex trap to lure this fuckwit in to, and once you have them contained. Slowly and methodically work through a number of steps to eventually reach your end goal…but at anytime they could react in a way you are not anticipating and the next thing you know your running for the hills because Fatty McNasterson wants to feast on your skin. So I say…asses the situation immediately, see how that thing moves…evaluate it in seconds not days…While you are assessing its actions you are actually already initiating your attack. There is not time to fuck around it is all or nothing and and your best results are going to come from putting a foot in its ass while smashing it in the face with something heavy. Listen we can train in our garage and work on the finer points but when its go time…its petal to the metal. Sometimes when you are hitting a flesh feaster over the head with a department store cactus things can get a little sideways. Trust me that is the real world…100% doesn’t always look pretty and there is nothing wrong with that if your effort is maximal! There isn’t a better example of this then when Tallahassee from superb documentary

Zombieland takes out the fat bastard with a banjo…All the theory in the world could not have prepared him for that…His technique was the cleanest application of “use the tools you got” that I have ever seen.

So get out the books focusing on the information that real Zombie killers use to get the job done. Study the theories from the street, the ones used in battle forget the shit that doesn’t involve a double over hand chop to the head with anything heavy or blunt. Kicking a skin suite in the balls isn’t going to work and if you are finding yourself working really hard at ball shots and not getting the result you want change your approach.



Categories: Written Word

1 reply

  1. Reblogged this on A (Man)imals Guide to the Universe and commented:

    A post from the first days of Manimal..

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